I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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