Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
