How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
