upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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