today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize