i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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