dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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