I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
it's great music for shaving your balls
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
