I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
is that a dick in a sweater?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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