This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
