matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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