I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
