We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
