woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
