i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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