He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
