I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize