I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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