Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
