I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
