People in love make me want to vomit
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
