Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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