I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
