Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
3 2 1 whiskey
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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