I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
People in love make me want to vomit
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
