i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
