I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
