he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
