You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
