I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
