I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
