My liver just broke up with me...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
