I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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