It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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