I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
