Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
