Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'd cum for enchiladas.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
