Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
