I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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