she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
