I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
