Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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