You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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