i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
