i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
