By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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