went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
We smell like vodka and hangover
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