The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
