i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
