i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
