Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
