I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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