what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Barsexuality is the new black.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
