Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
