Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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