She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
