I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Every concussion has its silver lining
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
