Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
