Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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