I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
