I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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