im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
