Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
