I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
