There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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