So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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