just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Say something about gay babies.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
