is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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