I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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