Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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